5 things about Amsterdam, The Netherlands

   Now that the smokey haze of my trip to Amsterdam has finally begun to settle, I can start to digest the events that took place in my four days and three nights in that dutch-themed amusement park of a city. There should be a warning that Amsterdam is actually a schizophrenic combination of two Dr.Jekyll/Mr.Hyde-esque places. During the day, Amsterdam is a quaint and pristine city, situated about a maze of canals, bordered by crooked town houses and filled with notoriously friendly Dutch people smiling and biking around. When seeing the city for the first time during the day, one can easily see how Amsterdam churned out and inspired artists like Rembrandt and the legendary Van Gogh. Amsterdam in day light is the type of place you would bring your grandmother too, or go to meet your girlfriend's parents for the first time. Alot of the midwest was settled by Dutch immigrants, and you can see the humble, friendly, pastry-filled roots of Dutch culture in Amsterdam. But then the sun sets.
   As the sun goes down, the city of Amsterdam transforms into a buffet of debauchery, with enough neon light and tourist traps to make the Las Vegas strip look like an elementary school playground. Rick Steves describes Amsterdam as a 'hedonist's delight,' and certain areas in Amsterdam are exactly that - with everything from pancakes of every flavor to prostitutes of every ethnicity. Somewhere in one of those alley ways you might be able to find whatever is left of my dignity next to the remnants of one of my pancake dinners.  Luckily I could make up for my lack of dignity by absolving myself of my sins at our hostel.
   Our hostel was a Christian hostel (read ‘mission’) tucked away on an alley way in the heart of the red light district, two doors down from a Thai massage parlor. Happy endings aside, we only stayed at our sanctuary long enough to get the bare minimum amount of sleep to function the next day, in order to avoid being exorcised by the somewhat over-zealous staff of volunteers. Other than pictures of Jesus on the walls and proverbs in our room scorning us with shame every time we came home late at night, eyes bloodshot, smelling like combinations of sin only possible in Amsterdam, the place wasn’t horrible, and it provided a good home base to retreat back to when it became unbearably cold outside. In all honesty, I'm surprised that I didn’t get smited right there in that hostel or burst into flames at some random point during the night.
   Both of Amsterdam's personalities, day and night, mix traditional dutch culture (clogs, pastries, blonde people) with 'relaxed' laws and a vegas-style night life for a fascinating, eclectic, and truly unique city. I could go on for a while about all of the schizophrenic qualities of Amsterdam, but I'll skip my rant and serve you a hot dish of 5 things about Amsterdam, The Netherlands.

1. Canals
   The canals in Amsterdam help make the city what it is - in addition to inspiring artists, the maze-like layout of the canals makes places like the Red light district really easy to get lost in. This can be really fun, for a few hours, until you realize that you've been wandering in circles and stopping in the same coffee shop for directions for over two hours. During the day, watching the light reflect off of the canals gives a sudden sense of clarity and understanding to the impressionist movement, but at night, the canals provide the perfect setting for tourist traps and creepy old men.

We took a canal cruise through the outer canals which turned out to be a 'lover's' cruise. It was lovely.

2. Coffee shops & Cannabis
   Amsterdam is well-known for it's 'coffee shops' that sell marijuana in some sort of ambiguous gray area of Dutch drug laws. Being a college student in California, I'd like to think that I know a thing or two when it comes to marijuana. Well, I 'learned' a whole lot in Amsterdam. But before you judge me, understand that I really enjoy a good ole cup o' joe. I am talking about coffee, nothing else right now. It turns out that it is kind of difficult to find a place that just sells a good cup of coffee. Regardless, the Dutch treat Marijuana like coffee. Dutch people and tourists alike head to their local coffee shops in the morning to drink a quick cup of coffee and smoke a joint or two and hang out for a while. Coming to Amsterdam, I expected to see shops filled with rasta-inspired, Bob Marley impersonators with joints the size of a baby's leg, with smoke billowing out of coffee shop windows reminiscent of "Fast Times at Ridgemont High." To my shock, there was a huge shortage of Spicoli, and instead, it was very much as what a friend of mine described as a 'giant living room.'

The Bulldog, the world's first Coffeeshop

   When I first walked through the winding, canal-lined streets of Amsterdam, I was rather unimpressed. Upon first impression, it was just a giant theme park for adults, with the same deliciously guilt-ridden food, gimmicky shops, and a red light district instead of rides. Once you mixed in the whole 'Dutch theme' it just seemed raunchy, to be completely honest.
   But a little bit later, after drinking some 'coffee' and testing some of Amsterdam's finest, the city is absolutely incredible. The 'raunchiness' of Amsterdam went up in smoke and disappeared instantly. Neon, it turns out, is a really interesting color. Luckily I didn't realize at the time that the neon attracts tourists like mosquitos to a porch light, but that neon took me to some interesting places. You can walk for what seems like hours (which might actually turn out to be only a few minutes) in a maze of beautiful canals, get lost and never see the same thing twice. After wandering long enough, you eventually get a little hungry, which brings me to the next 'thing.'

3. Food
   The theme park I frequented as a child had great funnel cake. My parents and I would always share one after riding a roller coaster and soak in every trans-fatty, disgustingly sweet calorie. Dutch food brought the theme park of my food to a whole new, incomprehensible level, throwing away any of my previous notions of sweet, savory, and everything in between. The food, or what might be more aptly described as 'munchies,' was worth every guilt-ridden calorie. Everything I ate, for some odd reason, disappeared in a matter of seconds as if it were a freshly prepared Thanksgiving dinner in the middle of rural Ethiopia. My delicious dutch pastries disappeared more quickly than a set of 22 inch rims on a broken down Cadillac in south central Los Angeles. I ate my pancakes faster than a Kardashian wedding. I ate quickly to say the least, but I digress. One of my personal favorite food sources was "Febo's," and here's why.

  The neon lights, dutch phrase, and playful exclamation point draws you in, ( Go ahead and try to pronounce that without giggling). "Oh, this might be good, fast and cheap at least," you tell yourself, and then right there in front of you, a whole wall-vending machine stocked with deep fried goodness, for only a single euro, or maybe two if it's a deluxe burger. Thank you Holland, for this incredible invention, I will tell the people of my homeland stories of your human triumph. This easily beats the Eiffel tower in my humble opinion. I don't want to tell you how often I ate here, but if this were in Greece, I would have single-handedly saved their economy with how many little rice and bean filled croquets I bought.
   In addition to this gift of a restaurant, every other store in Amsterdam is a restaurant or food stand serving what appears to be the most delicious food you've ever seen. Some honorary mentions are pancakes, Argentinean steak, Vlaamse fries, and sweet, warm, powder-coated, jelly filled pastries. If I remember correctly, one blueberry turnover tasted like a reassuring pat on the back. Some of the food I ate in those few, chilly days in the Netherlands tasted like the closest I'll ever get to nirvana.

4. Anne Frank's Annex
   On a much more somber and sobering note, we decided to take a break from all of the sin and debauchery to do the responsible thing, and pay our respects to Anne Frank and her family.
  I've learned about the holocaust and the persecution of Jews in World War 2 quite a few times now, but the poignant story of Anne Frank always seems to evoke a very strong and tangible sense of emotion for me. The sheer numbers of the holocaust make it difficult to connect with individual stories and the ramifications for families, but Anne Frank's diary provides that connection, and window into nazi-occupied Europe. Anne Frank's story, unlike many other holocaust memoirs, offers an innocent and poignant perspective to the holocaust that ultimately summarizes the prolonged death of a thirteen year old Jewish girl and her family in hiding. For two years between 1942 and 1944 Anne hid in the annex of this apartment with seven other people, in a room not much bigger than the one I sit in right now. Out of the eight people that hid in the annex, only Otto, Anne's father, survived.

The entrance to the aparment that hid Anne Frank's annex

It's easy to forget stories and events like the Holocaust when you're in a place like Amsterdam, but it's important that we don't. While this story can leave the most positive individuals depressed, Anne Frank's unrelenting hope is something that should be admired, not mourned.

5. The library

   The staff at our hostel recommended the library on their list of things to go see. Personally, the library seemed like the absolute last place I would want to go in a city like Amsterdam, but it actually turned out be some pretty good advice. Located on the outskirts of the city on a canal, the Amsterdam library, or "Bibliotheek" is Europe's biggest library, and it provided a great place to rest and reflect on our adventure through Amsterdam. Besides having some of the most comfortable chairs I've ever had the honor of sitting in, the interior looked like the inside of the U.S.S. enterprise, adorned in white plastic and chrome from roof to floor. We stayed in the children's section, with the comfy chairs, bean bags, and Dutch picture books, which are surprisingly hilarious when trying to read them out loud.

 

   Amsterdam was more of an adventure than a trip, and these 5 things barely begin to summarize everything we did in our short weekend there. I think Amsterdam is the exact opposite of Paris, in the sense that it is everything but refined and classy, and instead like a giant living room, stocked with everything you could possibly want, besides Family Guy. Instead of refined and gourmet, the food is quick, dripping in grease, and just as, if not more delicious, and instead of sparkling monuments and history, Amsterdam has weed and hookers. And while it might be sad to see that Dutch culture in Amsterdam has been exploited into a theme for this theme park of a city, it is a sight to see none the less, and a really, really fun one at that. Overall, Amsterdam was just an unabashedly, inhibition-free, hands-down, good time.

Word of the Day: Fumar - To smoke
No fumé nada en Amsterdam. I did not smoke anything in Amsterdam.